Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Why is no one talking about this?!

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.