currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
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Breaking news:
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Education is vital
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.