currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.