currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
