Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me when I try to be useful
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
starting a garage orchestra
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!