Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
👍
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
real
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.