Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

United Steaks of America

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell