Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Always

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.