Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

That’s fair

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Breaking news:

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.