Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
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He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
They’re the worst 😩
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.