currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

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*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?


When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.


I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.


I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me


Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.


[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)


[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble