@priya_ebooks

currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

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@TheAlexNevil

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

@KalvinMacleod

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

@4SLars

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

@diannaeanderson

I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.

@_ElvishPresley_

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

@Ygrene

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble