@priya_ebooks

currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

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@Dustinkcouch

me: i liked that movie ๐Ÿ™‚

The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book

me: oh ok

The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book

me: i really liked the score ๐Ÿ™‚

The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn’t have music

@TweetPotato314

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

@EndhooS

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

@theshamingofjay

Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.

@NicestHippo

You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?

[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]

Your survival instincts take over

@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

@PaigeKellerman

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

@Social_Mime

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

@DamienFahey

I was really moved by The Great Gatsby. Specifically, to the theater showing Iron Man 3.