Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.