currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

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me: i liked that movie ๐Ÿ™‚

The Person Who Has Read The Book: it was way different than the book

me: oh ok

The Person Who Has Read The Book: i read the book

me: i really liked the score ๐Ÿ™‚

The Person Who Has Read The Book: the book didn’t have music


Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago


I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.


Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.


You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?

[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]

Your survival instincts take over


My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.


The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.


I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.


I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.


I was really moved by The Great Gatsby. Specifically, to the theater showing Iron Man 3.