Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]