Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*