Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
finally
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.