Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.