Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.