Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting