Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’m not proud
23. the denim jacket
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday