Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”