*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
You Might Also Like
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think