*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
