cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.