cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Spring cleaning checklist…
