Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate