Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

I just want an internship man

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Ok, but like, how married are you?

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Lol

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.