customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.