Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

(Musicians.)

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.