customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.