Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”