Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Well, this certainly took a turn

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Leaving the Barbers like

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!