Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?