customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
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Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Happy weekend !
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –![]()
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters