Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”