Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Mornin

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!