Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you