Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

[eulogy]

line?

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

Already got one

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

A completely valid reaction tbh

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

two people or more is called a problem

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.