Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again