Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop