Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.