customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
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Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…