customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
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What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times