Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour