Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please