Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”