Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
mechanics be like
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Okay
