Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT