HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
You Might Also Like
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken