Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

When I face a minor setback

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?