Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
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[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Saw online –
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene