Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

how long have you had this for?

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

Pretty much. 🤣

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…