Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1