Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
relationship goals
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad