Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

this isn’t threatening at all

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.