Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

It was worth a shot 😂

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.