Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Did I do this right
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.