Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.