Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill