Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
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Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
cause of death:
autopsy.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Found my door mat
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.