Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

thanksgiving in nutshell

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise