Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

(by @ZachWeiner )

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies