Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry