CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
🎵 I can’t wait to
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.