Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please