Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.