Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

i hope my email finds you on fire

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Bear knowledge

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!