Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello