Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.