Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.