Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*