Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Happy Thanksgiving