Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
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The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
need him
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
No, I don’t think I will.