Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70