Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.