customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Happy thanksgiving!
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.