Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

#gardening

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.