Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
You Might Also Like
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
The devil.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business