Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

The cycle continues

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread