Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

LOL

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.