Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Krampus.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“